Red Flags and Green Flags Regarding Authenticity in Relationships
Red Flags and Green Flags Regarding Authenticity in Relationships
Once someone's authentic self is stifled, the relationship around that person will probably be difficult.
photo credit: Pexels/Pixabay
Have you ever seen a relationship in which one partner is discouraged from "being themselves?" Maybe there's a friend of yours who has always been quite silly but who, around his partner, suddenly becomes highly serious. Or maybe you know someone who has huge wanderlust and has traveled to all kinds of places in her life, only to marry someone who has no interest in travel and who really just stifles this part of her being. Or maybe you know someone who was just born to play the piano but whose partner discourages "that noise" pretty resoundingly?
These are all instances in which there is something of a mismatch between two partners—a mismatch that effectively stifles the "authentic self" of at least one of the partners (and perhaps both).
The Authentic Self Versus the Stressed Self
In a groundbreaking attempt to understand the human experience using an evolutionary framework, the late-great Psychology Today blogger and neuroscientist, John Montgomery (along with his collaborator Todd Ritchey) developed a model of the self that frames the self as oscillating between one's authentic self (who a person is when they are most comfortable with who they are and what they are doing) and one's stressed self, which emerges when one is under a state of stress. When one's stressed self takes over, all kinds of things become more difficult (see Montgomery & Ritchey, 2010). People become agitated, unhappy, angry, anxious, distracted, forgetful, distrustful, and more. Going back for decades, in fact, behavioral scientists have documented a broad array of adverse psychological and physiological consequences associated with stress. A simple implication of all these ideas is as follows: In all spheres of life, try to create environments and conditions that foster your authentic self and that downplay your stressed self.
Finding a Partner That Cultivates Your Authentic Self
While not everyone is interested in settling down with a romantic partner, it is the case that dyadic intimate relationships are quite common. According to these data presented by Statista, a majority of adults in the US will get married at some point in life.
Marriage, of course, for a broad array of reasons, is not to be entered into lightly. Selecting a marriage partner is, in so many ways, one of the most important decisions that one might make in life. Choosing someone who is mismatched from yourself may well end up leading to heartache and all kinds of problems (see Geher & Kaufman, 2013).
While there are clearly many factors to look for in a long-term mating partner, one that is often-overlooked, based on the work of Montgomery and Ritchey (2010) pertains to being with someone around whom you can be yourself—with whom you feel comfortable. If you find someone who checks all the other boxes but whose presence inhibits your ability to really be your true, authentic self (e.g., you like to be silly and this other person cannot stand that), then you are setting yourself up for stress—particularly given this idea that the counterpoint to one's authentic self is one's stressed self. And if you are with someone whose attitude toward important aspects of your authentic self ends up bringing out your stressed self, in short, you're just not going to be happy. People do best when they are unstressed and are comfortable expressing their authentic selves. The implications for mate-selection are profound.
Red Flags Regarding Whether Your Authentic Self is Appreciated in Your Relationship
In thinking about the importance of being able to be one’s authentic self in one’s relationship, here are some red flags that might be useful in assessing one’s relationship on this point.
The presence alone of your partner seems to put you in a state of stress of some degree.
Your partner is disagreeable with you—rejecting your ideas, whatever the context (e.g., ideas of a restaurant to have dinner at, whether some political leader is doing a good job, whether you should vacation at this place or that place, etc.). If your partner disagrees with you a lot, then they are signaling, in a sense, that they are not really caring about your authentic self. And this can be stressful in a relationship.
Your partner asks you to stop doing something that you love doing. This might be playing piano “too loud—can you please stop!” Or watching your favorite sport team that you identify as part of your own self in some way (“It’s just a game. Who cares!?”).
Your partner discourages you from taking initiatives that would feed your authentic self (e.g., “we don’t need to pay for an adult to take dance lessons once a week! And honestly, I’d have zero interest in joining you.”)
Hearing regularly that your partner “doesn’t like when you do that.” Imagine that you love singing in the shower—as if it is your own private Madison Square Garden. And your partner, upon hearing your “concerts,: comments that they’d rather you not do that.
In a sense, any comments or actions that stifle you from being the person you really are or who you really strive to be, can be seen as red flags in a relationship. Because once one of the partners in a relationship feels that their authentic self is being squashed, resentment, self-esteem issues, and a host of other outcomes that are famously associated with relationship problems are likely to—perhaps unwittingly—emerge.
Green Flags Regarding Whether Your Authentic Self is Appreciated in Your Relationship
But there is good news! There are certainly relationships in which partners naturally tend to cultivate the authentic selves of one another. So while all the red flags described above might suggest that a relationship is not headed in a great direction, the below green flags all likely signal exactly the opposite.
You feel positive emotions when your partner returns after a separation (even a trip to the grocery store); you tend to rarely experience stress upon just seeing your partner return after a separation.
Your partner seems to really know and appreciate your authentic self. You might be someone who works a little too hard and who cares a little too much in certain spheres of life. But that’s just who you authentically are. So imagine that your partner seems to understand that these are simply defining features of who you are and not only accepts them, but supports them.
Your partner regularly reinforces your authentic self in various ways. My wife knows that I love long-distance running and she encouraged (against all of my fiscal instincts!) to buy the top of the line Hokas recently, for instance—that felt like love to me. Your partner might also create art or poetry that celebrates features of your authentic self. Your partner may buy you simple, small gifts—even from Instacart—to surprise you with items that totally speak to your authentic self.
Your partner shows an open-mindedness and works to join you in cultivating your authentic self. If you love to dance and your partner has two left feet, wouldn’t it be great if that partner saw your love of dance as a core part of your authentic self and signed you both up for dance lessons?
Thinking about positive relationship outcomes in terms of whether one’s partner is cultivating one’s authentic self can actually be very helpful in getting people to appreciate their partners and their relationships more broadly and deeply.
Bottom Line
When people use the phrase "be yourself," this phrase actually has meaning. Generally, they mean "be your authentic self"—roughly corresponding to the person you enjoy being and the person whom you feel that you are meant to be.
If you are choosing a long-term mate, assessing whether they help cultivate your authentic self or not can make all the difference in terms of how that relationship plays out over time. Forming a long-term partnership with someone who truly embraces your authentic self is simply a key to a successful relationship future—especially if this process is reciprocated.
Want a happy relationship? Seek out someone who loves your authentic self—as imperfect as it may be.
Note: This is an elaborate version of a piece that I published with Psychology Today; I own the copyright to the content.
References
Montgomery, J., & Ritchey, T. (2010). The Answer Model: A New Path to Healing. TAM Books.
Dedication: This post would not be possible without the support and input from my wife Shannon. Conversations on the issues described here played a major role in the writing of this piece. And she makes me smile!